the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
