Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
