well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
