you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
