$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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