New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
