Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
