My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
