xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
