i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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