Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
