Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
