you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
