worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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