She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
