Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
3pm strippers are depressing
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
