I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i believe in u and ur pee
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
