New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
