I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize