I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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