So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
