Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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