Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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