I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
