why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
