actually, I'm a sock model
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
