She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
