90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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