Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
