u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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