life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
