I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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