you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
