I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
