Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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