I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
