the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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