Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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