You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize