Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
is that a dick in a sweater?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
