Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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