Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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