Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
