Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
