found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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