"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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