the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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