i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
