trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Vodka?
Forever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
