I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
