I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
