It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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