when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
