He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
