WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
