Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize