I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize