i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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