I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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