Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
