1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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