I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
