So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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