where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
