Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
