When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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