i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
