Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
