I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
