For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
