she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize