your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
