Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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