i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
